Thinking back..
In the midst of the daily hustle and bustle, I suddenly thought about how I used to be in the past. Especially since the night fiq and I were reminiscing about our past and he said,"I think you've changed to a more confident person now."
It got me thinking...
We better knew each other in 2007 since secondary school graduation, which was a pretty bad year for me. Bad 'A' level result, local university rejections .. When most of my peers around me embarked on their new phase of life which was deemed to be the most memorable, exciting and unforgettable, I was left behind.. I dreaded meeting my friends. I dreaded answering the "So... What are you doing now, Diana?" question. I dreaded consoling myself telling myself that it is not the end of the world. So much so that, I can diagnose myself as depressed at that point of time.
Then, I was given a place in UWA and started the course in 2008. But it wasn't just studying, I had and still have to work to pay my school fees and my own expenses. Turned out it wasn't as easy as I thought to work in the day and study at night. Worked so hard, studied so hard and never get to play twice harder.. Seriously, what happened to me? Thought about how I used to be so active in kayaking, hiking, boating and doing cool stuff with my friends. Seriously.. I felt so much life being sucked out of my life and plus negative thoughts input by me, telling myself to suck it up because I have no choice. Continuously trapped in my cycle of negative thoughts and learned helplessness. Also, I had to fight the stigma about private students and had to put up the tough front and pretend to be all happy about what I'm doing.
Now, 2009. I stopped fighting. I stopped wanting others to be approved of me. I stopped restricting myself of choices and freedom. I don't know how I get to this point but I guess Psychology has helped me alot. Probably I was self-treating my self-inflicted pain. Going deeper into Psych makes me realised the passion for Child Psychology, especially in Autism. Family counselling too. At this point, all the negativity, depresson, fatigueness, fighting myself and others, were all just defense mechanism for my own pride and self-esteem.
The best decision I've ever made thus far, was to insist on studying Psychology. Even if it is this hard.
It got me thinking...
We better knew each other in 2007 since secondary school graduation, which was a pretty bad year for me. Bad 'A' level result, local university rejections .. When most of my peers around me embarked on their new phase of life which was deemed to be the most memorable, exciting and unforgettable, I was left behind.. I dreaded meeting my friends. I dreaded answering the "So... What are you doing now, Diana?" question. I dreaded consoling myself telling myself that it is not the end of the world. So much so that, I can diagnose myself as depressed at that point of time.
Then, I was given a place in UWA and started the course in 2008. But it wasn't just studying, I had and still have to work to pay my school fees and my own expenses. Turned out it wasn't as easy as I thought to work in the day and study at night. Worked so hard, studied so hard and never get to play twice harder.. Seriously, what happened to me? Thought about how I used to be so active in kayaking, hiking, boating and doing cool stuff with my friends. Seriously.. I felt so much life being sucked out of my life and plus negative thoughts input by me, telling myself to suck it up because I have no choice. Continuously trapped in my cycle of negative thoughts and learned helplessness. Also, I had to fight the stigma about private students and had to put up the tough front and pretend to be all happy about what I'm doing.
Now, 2009. I stopped fighting. I stopped wanting others to be approved of me. I stopped restricting myself of choices and freedom. I don't know how I get to this point but I guess Psychology has helped me alot. Probably I was self-treating my self-inflicted pain. Going deeper into Psych makes me realised the passion for Child Psychology, especially in Autism. Family counselling too. At this point, all the negativity, depresson, fatigueness, fighting myself and others, were all just defense mechanism for my own pride and self-esteem.
The best decision I've ever made thus far, was to insist on studying Psychology. Even if it is this hard.
posted by Di @ 4:10 PM
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